


How I Met Your Mother

by Captain_Loki



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Ancient Technology, Crack, Gen, Humor, Kid Fic, Snark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-13
Updated: 2012-03-13
Packaged: 2017-11-01 22:11:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/361829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captain_Loki/pseuds/Captain_Loki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Ancients are fucked up. Or the story of John Sheppard and Rodney McKay's not!solove!child's first eleven years</p>
            </blockquote>





	How I Met Your Mother

John has been around enough geniuses to know, that the smarter they come the more ridiculous their ideas are. Rodney is easily the smartest person he knows (though he’d rather go head to head with an entire Wraith hive than admit that, to anyone) and the fact that some Ancient tech is _so_ far beyond even him, pretty much solidifies his notion that the Ancients, are well and truly, _fucked up._

Even without the little bundle of blankets stirring softly on the brightly lit platform in the middle of the large machine whose use is ‘yet unknown’, John knows this.

“What. Is. That?” John asks, gripping his P-90, and moving to raise it at the small, softly cooing _it,_ but even as the words leave his mouth he’s fairly certain of what _it_ is. But…no, right?

“That…” Rodney says, mouth gaping, he pales. “Oh shit.”

“What is it Rodney?” Teyla asks, concerned.

“It’s…why did you touch it?!” Rodney stops, turning to John and yelling angrily, his face going blotchy and red. John scowls.

“You didn’t tell me _not_ to!” John shouts back.

“What!” Rodney shouts in disbelief. “If it had been a tank filled with hungry piranha you would have just gone diving into it?”

“Well…obviously _not_ ,” John says, irritated.

“Rodney! John!” Teyla shouts. They fall silent as she steps up to the raised platform and bends down.

“It could be dangerous!” John argues, sneering at Rodney.

“It’s not,” Rodney says, “although considering it’s _yours_ I wouldn’t be too sure.”

“It’s my what?” John asks, alarmed. Teyla scoops the small bundle up carefully in her arms and moves to stand beside John.

“It’s my what?” John asks again, backing away.

“Your spawn,” Rodney says, cavalierly. John gapes at him.

“But…” John tries. “I mean…I didn’t even have to…there was no…I didn’t even get any kind of _magazines_ Rodney. This is not how this works!”

“It’s a boy.” Teyla says, and John finally looks at the pale pink and round flesh in her arms. It’s a baby.

“Rodney!”

***

“You…made a baby?” Dr. Weir’s voice cackles over the radio. “Come again?” She asks.

“I would like for it to be known, that for the record this was in no way my fault,” Rodney replies.

“You...” Dr. Weir says again.

“Yes, Dr. Weir, we traced the energy source Dr. McKay discovered in the hopes it would lead us to a ZPM. We came upon some sort of device that when activated by Colonel Sheppard…produced unusual results.”

“It made a baby?” Dr. Weir asks yet again.

“Yes.”

“Well are you certain that it is in fact...John’s?”

“Yes,” Rodney says definitively.

“How?” Weir asks, in disbelief.

“He has Sheppard’s ears.” Ronon responds. They all turn to stare at him. “Well they’re kind of curved and pointy like Sheppard’s…” He takes a few steps into the background.

“Yes…well…I’ve also managed to translate enough of the device to know what it was for, and that, yes it is John’s. We can have Beckett run a paternity test when we’re back on Atlantis if it will satisfy everyone’s curiosity. Either way… _baby_.” Rodney says.

“Alright. Well I’d like to send a team of scientists to aid in the rest of the translation. And I think it would be best if you and your team return to Atlantis with…the…”

“Baby?”

“Yes. Atlantis out.”

***

“You’re not serious!” Rodney shouts.

“I’ve done the test three times now Rodney, I am in fact quite certain that—“ Dr. Beckett explains, but Rodney shakes his head.

“No. You can just do your voodoo spells over again!” Rodney argues. Beckett sighs and turns to John.

“I am inclined to agree with McKay on this one,” John says.

“Colonel,” Beckett tries. “I don’t think a fourth is going to change my results. The fact of the matter is, the child’s DNA has alleles in common with two members of this expedition. You, and Dr. McKay. I feel confident enough to conclude that somehow…both of you have fathered this child.”

“But how is that even possible?” John asks.

“It’s not! This is some…sick and twisted joke.” Rodney shouts, his face flushed, he sits down in Beckett’s desk chair and ducks his head between his knees.

“Rodney!” Beckett says, concerned.

“This isn’t happening. Oooh this isn’t happening. Any minute I am going to be eaten by a whale and wake up.”

“What?” John and Beckett both ask.

***

“What are we going to do with it?” Rodney asks, staring down at the sleeping baby whose hair is fluffy and dark brown.

“What do you mean?” John asks.

“Well…we’re not going to _keep_ it right?” Rodney balks.

“He’s our kid…what are we going to do with him? Space him?” John asks, staring at Rodney incredulously.

“We’re not in space…” Rodney points out. John glares.

“You _want_ to raise a kid?” Rodney asks. John cocks his head, staring down at the baby. He shrugs.

“I mean…I thought maybe _one_ day after I’d…you know met the right person, we’d...” John trails off. His eyes snap to Rodney’s.

“Right _woman_ ,” John automatically corrects. “And _you_ Rodney are not exactly what I imagined when I pictured the future Mrs. Sheppard.”

“Oh right,” Rodney snarks, “like I’d say _yes_ to that.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? I’m a catch.”

“And what am I?” Rodney asks, insulted.

“One of those squirmy little guppy things you throw back.”

“That is _it_ Sheppard!” Rodney squawks, “You’re just _lucky_ I’m not your wife or you’d _never_ get laid again!”

And that’s when they decided to keep him.

***

“What are we gonna call it?” Rodney asks, staring at the sleeping baby.

“It’s not an _it_ Rodney, it’s a _he_ ,” John hisses.

“Well…what are we going to call _him_ ,” Rodney corrects, scowling.

“I…Meredith?” John jokes. Rodney scowls.

“We could name him after a physicist.”

“Like what, Schrodinger?” John asks.

“Like…Isaac!”

“We could name him after a pilot,” John says, and then excitedly “or a plane.”

“You want to name our child, what? Blackhawk? Cobra? Tomcat?” Rodney snaps, sarcastic.

“Well we have to name the kid, the kid just can’t not have a name!” John argues. Rodney sighs.

“Hey, what about that?”

“What about what?” Rodney asks.

“Kid.” John says, staring down at the stirring child.

“Kid? You want to name what is probably the most brilliant child in all of humanity, _Kid_ ,” Rodney says, incredulous. “Did you think ‘heyyouwiththeface’ wouldn’t fit on a birth certificate?

“You were that unimaginative child who named their dog ‘puppy’ and their cat ‘kitty’ weren’t you?” Rodney asks.

“Kid is a perfectly acceptable name,” John reasons.

“Yeah if you’re married to Pamela Anderson!” Rodney snarks.

“Well, fathers should always have big dreams for their sons.” Rodney slaps himself hard in the face with an open palm.

“How about Tiberius?” John asks, his eyes wide in wonder.

And Kid McKay-Sheppard was born.

***

When Kid is a year old, he meets his aunt Jeannie for the first time.

“You…have a son?” Jeannie asks, convinced she must have heard her brother wrong.

“Yes.”

“A child, like a human?” Jeannie asks, to clarify.

“Yes…Yes a human!” Rodney shouts, annoyed. “What the hell else would it be?”

“You just don’t strike me as the…paternal type. Dictatorial yes, but…” Jeannie smiles.

“I will have you know I am a warm and gentle caregiver.” Jeannie nods.

“Riiiight. So…who’s the mother?” She asks, lowering her voice like it’s some secret. Rodney looks up past her shoulder to see John rounding the corner with Kid tucked into his arms. Rodney points.

Jeanie turns and cocks an eyebrow.

“Him.” Rodney says.

“Him?” Jeannie asks, looking between the two. “Wait what?”

And after a lengthy explanation, twice, with much screaming, yelling, and crying (equal parts Rodney and Kid John swears) Jeannie is up to speed on all the important points of Life in Pegasus.

“Wait, what’s his name?” Jeannie asks.

“Isaac,” says Rodney.

“Tiberius,” responds John.

“Grace,” Dr. Weir interjects.

“Tylan,” Teyla speaks up.

“Dexter,” grunts Ronon.

“Antonin,” Zelenka pipes up.

“Tucker,” Lorne replies.

“And James for Colonel Mitchell and Maximusfor Dr. Jackson,” Chuck concludes. Jeannie just stares open mouthed, “I’m their proxy.”

“What?” Jeannie asks, exasperated.

“They call him Kid, but no one thinks that’s a particularly good name for a child so we’ve all come up with our own names to call him. When he’s old enough to choose which one he either likes enough topick or just thinks is his name one of us is going to win a lot of money. Well not really money, because here paper currency is pretty useless but the pot is getting pretty big. Let’s see, we’ve got chocolate, coffee, socks, usb drives, sports dvds, a laptop, about 16 gigs of porn, pencils, and curiously enough some kind of chicken like creature,” Chuck explains.

“Is the Daedalus still in orbit?” Jeannie wonders, backing up.

***

When Kid is three there’s a riot on Atlantis.

“Daddy can I ask you a ‘portant question?” Kid asks, climbing up onto the bench beside John.

“Uh…” John starts, looking around in panic for someone.

“It’s not about where I comed from again, it’s somefin different,” Kid reassures him.

“Alright. What is it?”

“Why do I have so many names?”

“Do you know what your name is?” John asks, and silence descends on the mess. Kid looks around. He takes a deep breath and says,

“My name is Isaac Tiberius Grace Teylan Dexter Antonin Tucker James Maximus, and sometimes Kid.”

***

When Kidis four he takes his first ever Jumper ride.

“Wahoo!” Kidshouts, running past his parents and up the ramp into the back of Jumper 3. The engine whirrs and the floor vibrates and hums beneath them, the lights and consoles coming to life.

“Did you do that?” Rodney asks, turning to John. John shrugs and shakes his head.

Kidruns into the forward section, smacking into the chair and hauling himself up to stand in front of the main controls.

“Vrrrr bpshooo pew cashooo!” He shouts, as his hands move over the buttons and each switch without ever coming into actual contact.

“Evasive manuevows!” He shouts. “Fire frull frottle!” Kid pretends to stumble. Then there’s the sound of something rushing past the jumper, the familiar whirr of ancient tech, and the unmistakable glowing blurs of two drones rising up and out of the jumper bay.

Kid’seyes widen and his mouth forms a comical ‘o’ as he turns to John and Rodney and points at himself as if to say ‘who me?’ He slides carefully down off the chair and backs away from the controls to hide in between John’s legs, clutching the bottoms of his BDUs.

“It was on accident.”

***

At Five Kid explores the theories of nature versus nurture.

“Where’s Kid?” Rodney asks, stepping into the mess and looking around John’s table for his son.

“What?” John asks, ducking his head to stare at the abandoned ancient toys.

“Oh my god!” Someone shouts and Rodney turns to see Kid walking along the railing on the balcony, his arms out balancing himself, his tongue poking out of the side of his mouth in concentration. His shaggy hair whips from side to side in the wind as he teeters.

Rodney makes a gasping choked noise John’s pretty sure he heard from an animal on P3X-451 they dubbed a goataffulosaur, as he runs after the child, scooping him up in his arms.

“What the hell were you doing!?” Rodney screeches, high pitched and furious, tucking Kidinto his chest. “He could have died! Why weren’t you _watching him_. You are officially the WORST parent EVER!” Rodney’s chest is heaving and puffing, he thrusts Kidaway from him and looks into his face.

“And you! What were _you_ thinking? You Kamakaze little…little..gray hairs! I have gray hairs and it is entirely your fault!” Rodney stalks back into the mess hall and plops Kidonto a table.

“Rodney, calm down,” John says, rubbing Rodney’s back soothingly. “He’s fine. He has impeccable balance.”

“He gets this from you, you know!? I would never do something so ridiculously reckless. Sometimes I swear he isn’t mine. Yesterday I actually caught him _eating paste_. _Paste_. Licking a glue stick like it was a popsicle. There is no way he is mine.” Rodney says, denying his child for the umpteenth time.

“It’s okay honey, I know it’s upsetting when parents fight,” one of Rodney’s braver scientists comes over to comfort Kidwho’s swinging his legs on the edge of the table with very little care beyond when his next snack time is. “Would you like a nice glass of lemonade?” She offers the five year old.

“Aah!” Kidscreams, smacking the cup out of the Doctor’s hand, it goes crashing to the floor spilling lemonade over the polished stone and Rodney’s shoes. Rodney screams and jumps out of the way. “Are you cwazy! Are you twyin to kill me! What is _wong_ wif you!” Kidscreams.

“I’d like to second that notion!” Rodney shouts grabbing his child and stalking off. 

“Yeah, unfathomable the differences are,” John sighs.

***

When Kid is six, they have they have the inevitable “Talk”.

“Well why can’t we just wait until he’s older?” Rodney whines, when John points a finger at him and tells him to stay where he is.

“How old?” John asks.

“Forty two?” Rodney suggests. “It’s bad enough trying to explain the function of genitaliawithout throwing a ‘just kidding!’ into the mix.”

“Just, shut up Rodney.”

“Why are you and mom fighting?” Kid asks John, opening his arms to be picked up. (John nearly broke a hip laughing the first time Kid chose who was to be what).

Rodney scowls at John.

“We’re not really fighting, adults just do that sometimes,” John explains.

“How come?” Kid asks.

“For fun.” Rodney snatches his child away.

“Alright, I’m only explaining this once,” Rodney says, placing Kid down on the bed before pacing back and forth.

“When a man loves a woman,” he starts. John shoves a palm in Rodney’s face and pushes him away.

“But you’re not a women,” Kid says looking at Rodney and then John.

“Well sometimes…you see…most of the time…” John says, his voice cracking.

“Oh yes, thank you Colonel Clarification, so helpful.”

“You know how all of your friends have a mom and a dad, a well a girl mom?” John says. Kid nods. “Well…that’s how it usually works. To get a baby. But you…are…special!”

“Don’t tell him he’s special!” Rodney shouts. “My mom always told me I was special, it was a thinly disguised insult at my socially unaccepted differences.” John rolls his eyes.

“Do you and mommy love each other?” Kid asks.

“No,” Rodney says vehemently. Kid’s eyes widen. John turns around and pinches Rodney hard in the arm.

“What is wrong with you?” He hisses. He turns back to Kid. “Of course…mom,” John pauses to control his smirking, “and I love each other very much.”

“Oh. Well my friend Ka’lan says that a dad puts it in the mom and then they get a kid.”

Rodney and John’s eyes widen in horror.

“Did you have to put in mom to get me?” Kid asks.

Rodney and John nearly pop a blood vessel widening their eyes in horror.

“No!” They both shout, fervently. Kid looks taken aback.

“What the hell are those Athosians teaching their children!” Rodney shouts, paling.

“Well then how’d you get me?” Kid asks, confused. John stares at him. Rodney stares at John.

“We’ll tell you when you’re forty two.”

***

When Kidis seven they bring him to Earth for the very first time since they were booted from Atlantis by ungrateful ancestors. Kid was only a year old then and despite Rodney’s best attempts did not truly appreciate the magnitude of his situation (but Rodney saved his speech on tape for when Kid brain ‘was more fully functional and his cognitive abilities improved’).

They bring him to a Toys R Us and in spite of Rodney’s constant grumbling about “cheap overpriced pieces of blah blah blah“ both he and John over indulge in their need to spoil Kidrotten. For a child unfamiliar with such capitalistic ventures Kiddeduces the function of a shopping cart with remarkable speed. His ability to cram it with items he neither knows nor cares the function of is also equally impressive.

“He gets his ability to pack it away from you,” John drawls, lovingly, patting Rodney on the stomach.

“I’m going to find something educational,” Rodney glares and disappears. He returns a quarter of an hour later with his arms filled with a variety of physics sets and K’nex.

John just stares at him over the top of the lego X-Wing Fighter in his hands.

“Is that for you or him?” Rodney snarks.

“I haven’t decided yet,” John says, placing the box precariously on top of the other model fighter jets and choppers.

“Ooh!” Kidgasps. “I want this! I want this!” Rodney and John turn, Rodney pales and John’s brows draw together in confusion.

“But…physics,” Rodney says, pointing to the box in his hand.

“Planes…” John counters.

“But I want this!” Kidargues, logically.

“But…physics,” Rodney says, pointing to the box in his hand.

“Planes…” John re-counters.

“Mooom, Daaad,” Kidwhines, crossing his arms over his chest.

Which is how they end up with three physics sets, two boxes of K’nex, one model F-18 Hornet, one AH-1S Cobra, one Lego X-Wing Fighter, three light sabers, a giant stuffed gorilla, an X-box and accompanying games, three remote control cars, a bicycle and helmet, Star Trek action figures, Three transformers, and one Easy Bake Oven.

***

When kid is 10 John and Rodney send him to live with Jeannie and Kaleb for a year while Atlantis gets resettled in the Pegasus Galaxy after spending six months in San Francisco Bay.

He’s three months into the 6th grade when they return in time for Parent Teacher Conferences.

“I want to start by telling you how Kid is a pleasure to have in class,” Ms. Grayson says.

“That means he’s stupid! Oh God, I knew we should have used those flashcards earlier!” Rodney exclaims.

“ _Rodney,_ ” John growls, refraining from punching him.

“Uh, actually Mr. McKay…”

John sighs, refraining from burying his face in a palm.

“Doctor. Doctor _Rodney_ McKay…” Rodney replies, jutting his chin out, “PhD.”

“Oh, yes of course. Well _Doctor_ ,” she corrects. “Kid is actually quite a gifted student, though he does excel in certain subjects.”

“Math and science,” Rodney smiles knowingly, pointing to himself. John scowls and leans forward, pointing at his own chest,

“…Recess?”

Rodney shoots him an exasperated look and turns back to the teacher.

“Well, yes he is quite good at _all_ of those,” she smiles at John who all but leers back. “But, he is actually a very talented writer.”

“Writer?” Rodney asks in disbelief. “Like…groundbreaking scientific reports?”

“Well no, but I think he is quite fascinated by your field Doctor, he writes exceptional works of fiction. Right now he is on a poetry kick,” she smiles, like this news is going to delight Rodney.

“Poetry? You’re telling me my son…my progeny…my hopes and dreams for the future of humanity is…is…is a poet?!” Ms. Grayson looks taken aback by Rodney’s sudden outburst. She looks uncertainly at John who’s closing his eyes and shaking his head.

“Uhm…yes?”

“Oh God.”

“What kind of poetry?” John asks, ignoring Rodney who looks like he is having some kind of stroke.

“Science fiction.”

“Ooooh GOD!” Rodney gasps, struggling for breath.

“Here, I have a copy of his latest…” Ms. Grayson says uncertainly and John reaches across the desk and takes the paper.

He skims, and reads out loud, because as much as it would kill poor Kid if his mother died, putting Rodney in as much emotional pain and discomfort as possible is one of John’s favorite pastimes.

“It was all about to explode, until they reversed the polarity of the singularity.”

“What!?” Rodney chokes, snatching the paper out of John’s hands.

“It rhymed?” John tries.

“Oh my God, this…this doesn’t…none of it,” Rodney mumbles.

“What’s wrong?” Ms. Grayson asks, John just shakes his head.

“This is completely illogical; none of this science is even remotely accurate!” Rodney shouts. “Oh God,” he gasps and he drops his head between his knees gasping.

“Doctor? Your son is only ten years old, he’s writing fiction all about hyperdrives and, and wormholes, you can’t expect it to _be_ accurate. If it was well…we’d all be driving to work on spaceships!” Ms. Grayson laughs. John joins her. Rodney looks faint.

“Oh God where did I go wrong!” Rodney cries.

“Rodney, I think you’re overreacting.”

“This is all Kaleb’s fault! That loving nurturing sensitive tofurkey loving homewrecker!”

“Kaleb?” Ms. Grayson asks.

“Yes, Kid has been living with Rodney’s sister and her husband while we’ve been away for work.”

“With the Air Force?” Ms. Grayson asks.

“Yes.”

“I wouldn’t have thought,” she starts, motioning between the two of them. “That with Don’t Ask…” she trails off awkwardly.

“What?” Rodney asks, he looks at John and ducks his head back down between his legs. “God no!” He shouts.

“Well thanks,” John says.

“Oh. I’m sorry it’s not really any of my business.”

“No it’s like…we’re not…it’s like Full House.” John says, leaning forward. Rodney sits up long enough to give John a withering look.

“I’m sorry?” She asks.

“You know on Full House where you think Danny and Joey and Jesse are probably all really gay and then you figure out that they’re not…”

“No?” Ms. Grayson and Rodney say.

“Oh. Well…” John trails off, leaning back in his seat.

“He’s not my type,” Rodney sits up, shooting John a glare. “ _You_ are my type,” he tells her. Ms. Grayson flushes. Rodney flushes.

“Oh…well…not _you_ specifically. I just meant the general…” he motions with his hands. “You know…boobs.”

“Smooth _Mere_.”

“I told you not to call me that in public,” Rodney hisses.

“Well you don’t let me call you that in _private_ either,” John says, lowering his voice with a wink. Rodney flushes.

“No…he’s not…we’re really not…” Rodney says, waving his hands at Ms. Grayson. She looks away.

“Kid was an accident! He was made in a laboratory! His father is an idiot. I was just an innocent bystander! I like women!”

John waves to the group of parents collected at the door, watching in alarm.


End file.
